15 Safar 1432 Hijrah
Assalamualaikum warahmatullah!
Hmm...daripada tadi lah saya nak blog sebenarnye...dan keinginan nak blog ni pun ade tujuannye tau! Actually...i'm so used to wasting my time...so, now dat I'm slowly trying to change my habits...2 b honest, I feel a lil lost in direction...k, example...de reason y i want to blog is to stop myself from clicking on the link to facebook games....seriously, u may say, alah..skali-skala, ok la kan...untuk rez de mind...problem is...dah a few times da masuk game tu...so, sesungguhnya, tak patut betul ku masuk main game tu untuk brape kali lagi! jadi, drpd main game, blogging lagi bagus kan? pasal dapat bermuhasabah? betul tak? i mean lebih baik drpd waste time buat sumting yg tak perlu...increase time lagha je...kate nak decrease...so, trying lah ni...relli tau...i relli wana change for de better...
cume, skarang ni, since i dun slp after subuh, my day has bcum officially longer..to a certain xtent...n im not too sure how to fill up my time without doing lagha...
well, i knw i can fill it up wif ibadah...but i oso dun want myself to do something inconsistently...takut buat banyak2 nanti, lame2 rase beban pulak...den stop terus..=/ haix...tak tahulah...but anw, hmm..muslimah nga 'cuti' ni...jadi, so far, banyakkan zikir je lah...rase rindu nak solat...dah lame tak rase camni..rindunye menghadap allah...jiwaku rase terpanggil...cam tak sabar pulak nak habis 'cuti'..=) biarlah dpt ngaji, solat...hmm...smoga aku diberi peluang untuk menikmati ibadah pada hari esok2...
anw, d other day, it juz sort of came to me..i started 2 doa...smoga aku mati dalam iman...
memikirkan masa depan yang tak tentu...takut rasenye...lagi2 laz wk ( i tink) ade bace pasal mereka yang alim, tapi towards d end of their lives, dey changed n mati dlm kekufuran...ya allah...matikanlah aku dalam iman ya allah...
anw, on a sidenote, i tink it's gd dat i dun uar-uarkan my blog to ppl...if not, i feel like wat i blog, may not b very sincere as dere will b times wen i tink abt hw ppl will perceive me wen dey rd a certain sumting etc..
oh ya! dat reminds me! d subject of strangers...people who r strange...unique...hehe..
smlm bace kat youthmuslims.blogspot.com, kalau tak salah ah..n oso pernah disentuh time qiyam at masjid hasanah..ghuraba'-strangers..
Muslims are strangers...esp in dis society where a lot of things dat we probably do r perceived as out of de norm in de community...well, i know laz time, wen i was younger, i was relli very comfortable wif my 'uniqueness'..without even knowing dis concept..mayb bcoz wen i was younger, i was more innocent? mayb bcoz wen i was younger, my intentions were sincerely for Allah? i dont knw...all i knw is dat, i was happy being myself...being a Muslim...
but along the way, sumting happened. i lost confidence. my self-esteem dropped. i still had a bit of i dun care wat ppl think, but i definitely cared..a lot more than i used to...in 1 n half years, my life started to change...
it was horrible..relli...n i tink my lack of self-esteem had a lot to do wif my own actions..i bcame 'like everyone else' n i started berating myself for dat...n i started to feel like i cudnt face Allah..
subsequent years, i bcame worse...everytime i wanna improve, i fall back, n it was juz so difficult. I guess it relli did take a lot of willpower...n sincerity. taubat nasuha. n wif dat, Allah helped me...
sumhw, 2010 has taught me a lot...relli a lot...but den, i also realised dat, if i had never walked dis path, i may oso not b de person whom i am now...wat's past was painful, shameful but at least i've learnt a lot. i juz hope i can b consistently good from now on..good in islamic terms. means dekatkan diri dengan ape yang disukai Allah dan menjauhi ape yang dilaranginya..=)
insya-Allah, Allah will help me...
I juz wanna thank Him again, n again...for always being there for me...even when i erred..thank u for giving me de knowledge through all de perantaraan, de frenz u've given me to create d islamic environment, everything ya allah...
I love you...
